Take me for who I am.

I know I am rather scatter brained when it comes to these blogs, but its not like anyone is even reading them (except for me) and it lets me get things off my chest (so to speak) that I otherwise wouldn't be able to get off. So my trouble sleeping, despite yesterday morning being the last pill I had to take, continue, and last night was pretty rough. A lot of hallucinating/not sure what was a dream-what was real type of stuff. Anyways, I was just thinking about things that set me off etc when it comes to relationships.

Take me for who I am, not who I am not.

I really don't know how to say it any better then that. Looking back at my past relationship, I think she took me for who I am not (her ex) rather then for who I am (me). Its a relatively simple explanation I guess, but I think its fitting.

I don't try to pretend to be something/someone I am not. I will freely admit I'm not a manly-man...i never go to the gym to pump weights, i don't drink or do drugs, I don't get in trouble (with friends/family, the law), I don't act all tough, and I don't socialize well. But thats just the way I am, whether you like it or not.

Physically, i'm not the biggest guy and I know that. I can hold my own, but chances are i'm not going to make you feel 'secure'. I like to avoid conflict too, so i tend to run away from things. I've never been a social person, and think I am just one of those people who sorta floats around between groups (like I did in HS) with no real friends. Its better off that way - non of that stupid macho bullshit of guys trying to one-up each other, hit on each others girls, prove who can drink more, etc. Call me what you will, but i'm just not a competitive guy in that manner. I don't feel the need to compensate for my short comings.

I don't compete in that manner: I am the take-it-or-leave-it kind of guy. I don't compete for attention/love. If you're trying to play me off of other guys or something, then you might as well not bother including me in the scenario. Like above, i'm not going to act any different to win something then I normally would act. So don't bring extra baggage into a relationship. If I can't provide you with all the attention you need, then obviously we aren't meant to be together.

I can think of several instances where this was a factor in things. Don't play me. Past and present relationships haven't worked out because there were other guys that factored in. I don't do the rebound thing, or the fallback thing either. As far as ex's are concerned, they shouldn't factore into our relationship at all. No talking to them, no hanging out with them, etc. It complicates things more then they are worth. Look elsewhere if you still want them in part of your life. I don't deal with crap like that.

So, take me for who I am, not who I am not. And don't expect anything different. Sure, I will mold around whoever I am dating, as is natural thing to do, but don't expect me to go from anti-social to social-butterfly. Its not going to happen.

I don't like the...

...drugs at all! Make me feel sick to the stomach all day, leave a nasty taste in my mouth, and really don't do all that much to relieve the pain in my back. Not only that, but they make me more restless then normal at night, and now I'm down to about 3 - 4 hours of sleep a night, whereas I was getting about 6 before the drugs. And THAT (3 - 4 hours) is with the help of Melatonin! Thankfully, of the 21 pills in the pack, spread out over 6 days, I only have to take 1 when I get up tomorrow and thats it! Took the 2nd-to-last-one about 30 minutes ago ("before bed") so yay? Hopefully I start feeling better.

I go to the doctor to find out results from the MRI at 9:30 AM on 9/30 this week (easy to remember, woot) and then have more physical therapy on Wednesday and Friday morning. Hopefully its only good news from here. I'll be sure to ask about what I should do with the ankle, since I'm headed back out to the Swamp in a week, if all goes to plan.

Hm, really not much else to report on. The Phone-system at work is all set up now, thank god, despite the number of Mitel Idiots who set the thing up. Thats a rant for another day though. Lets see....yeah, thats about it. Typical weekend for me. Watched my Arsenal get shocked 2 - 1 at home by Hull City, despite dominating the whole game. Had plenty of chances to put things away but just couldn't deliver. Lets hope the Jets pull off a victory over the Cardinals tomorrow, eh?

So i've also been putting some more thought into getting tattoos. Not just one, at least 3 I think. I think I've mentioned them here before, but I'm also thinking of adding something more Irish to my arms too or something. Don't really know yet and have lots of details to work out. Not to mention finding pictures and an artist to get things straightened out.

Mellow Out

So, the drugs are starting to take effect on me. Spent the day with an upset stomach and still feels that way. Luckily, I am 15 pills through the 20 I have to take by monday. Last night was also a rough night. I felt sleepy early so went to bed early, but ended up laying in bed for 4 hours before falling asleep. Which meant I wasn't asleep until closer to 2 AM, and spent the night tossing and turning. Got 2, maybe 3 hours of sleep (despite also taking Melatonin) and woke up with really achy shoulders from all the tossing around.

Tomorrow, not going into work until after Physical Therapy, which is at 10AM. So will be at work around 11:30AM. Which means I can lay around in bed for as long as I want to before getting up. Just as long as I am out of here by 9:15AM to get to Physical Therapy on time. First one, of not sure how many, so hopefully things start getting better for me.


I've also decided that The Dropkick Murphys are my most favorite band at the moment. "Fairmount Hill" and "Johnny, I hardly knew Ya" are my two most favorite songs at this time. You might recognise the second one, or at least its tune. Very catchy and memorable.

I've also been thinking of doing some of the following things:

1. Digging up my Granddads (dads side) RAF Logbook from WWII (its MIA at the moment) and finding out and documenting his brief service at the end of WWII.
2. Searching into my families history to find the service records of my family. My Grandmothers (dads side) half of the family had a long service in the British Army. Rourkes Drift, in the Boer/Zulu Wars is apparently a place where either a member of my family died or served. Rourkes Drift was made famous in the..1964 (i think) movie called 'Zulu'.
3. Get a Tattoo...or three. I'm Irish, so I've got lots of freckles, so the best spot at the moment seems to be my back. "Lest We Forget", a portrait of my Granddad, a Lancaster Bomber Mk II, and a 'Helmet/Boots/Gun Graveside' are my plans, though not sure layout, when, or if the back is truly the best spot. Not to mention needing to find an artist etc.


So,thats a brief update and things for me at the moment. Oh yeah, since my iPOD Classic went through the wash and, er, died, I ended up getting an iPOD TOUCH to replace it. So far, its freaking awesome. :)

Medical Mayhem

Sunday sent into motion several things. First of all, I was up at the butt crack of dawn like always, dressed in my Camo, and headed out to pick up TJ. We then headed out to Green Swamp under a foggy/misty/cloudy sky. We marched around in a swamp for about 5 hours before nearly dying from heat exhaustion due to the high humidity, and the 100+ degrees it was by the time the sun broke through. I saw some cool things in the swamp:

1. My First Florida Gator. It was about 10 yards away from us, about 3 - 4 feet long, and there was a pool of water between us. Pretty cool though.

And not so cool:

1. Spiders. Lots of giant Spiders. The largest was about the size of my hand. I HATE spiders. Esepecially exotic, poisonous ones. Oh yeah, I also saw a Brown Recluse. Argh.

Otherwise, it was a pretty fun day. Until my ankle started to swell about 2 hours into the trek, which then caused my groin to strain. This happened hiking in Lake Tahoe a few months ago, but at the time I thought I had over stretched. Now I know for a fact that the swelling of my ankle is effecting my groin. NOT GOOD.

Luckily for me, I was headed to the Doctor on Monday, only not for the ankle but for the Sciatia in my back. Turns out i've been right all along and its a pretty big one. Causes my leg to go numb - most recently when kicking a soccer ball around - amongst other issues. Usually the worst when I wake up or stand up after laying down for a while. Might or Might Not be related to ankle injury. Today I had an MRI as X-Rays showed that my spine (i wonder if i can keep the x-rays?) was all in the right place so it could be a dislocated disc or something.

And that searing pain i get occasional just below my left shoulder...apparently thats a seperating rib that is 'not of concern' at the moment. The Ankle/Groin issue could be serious, since its a hip/joint problem. But I might need to see another doctor to get that checked out etc.

So yeah, fun times for me. >.<

Expenses

Bills keep piling up. Things I need to buy, things that I don't but still do. And now i've got to replace my iPod, as somehow it managed to go throw the wash undetected until it was in the dryer. Its been several hours and it still won't turn on. I think its toast :( So that could cost me another $200...great. On the plus side, since my Promotion Pay hasn't kicked in yet, I am still hourly based, and worked from 7:30AM Friday to 1AM Saturday in the office.

Yes, thats right. About 18 hours at work. Installing a new phone system with TJ, and we're still not done. It got to the point where we were too tired, too pissed off at the idiot MITEL workers, that we decided to do the last dozen phones when we get to work on monday.

Speaking of Monday, thats going to be hell day. We're going to get calls all day long, wondering how to work the phones, how to program them, etc. And I have to leave around noon for my doctors appointment to get my back looked at. My medical documents from NJ arrived by mail today, and I read through them. I wasn't aware that i was THAT close to needing surgery on my ankle. If its still not healed right, it looks like i just might need that surgery afterall, though the doctor tomorrow probably won't be able to tell me that (he's a spinal type doctor or something, looking at my back). So, fingers crossed on that. If i have surgery, I won't be able to drive (right foot) which would put a huge hole in my schedule.

Gotta get up around 6:30 tomorrow and get ready for scouting. Hopefully my camelback isnt broken - its brand new and I think it might have a leak in it. >.< Not good, since it'll be my only source of water tomorrow when out in the 100 degree heat and humidity of Green Swamp. Couldn't find a Blaze Vest either (the cheap ones) at Bass Pro Shop, but luckily I won't need to wear one tomorrow. I hopefully won't forget anything that I need tomorrow. Gotta remind myself to use the DEAD DOWN WIND stuff when I shower too, so the deer can't smell me and ruin the hunt for the Archers.

Well, random yes, but i've got to go to bed now. No IPOD though, so will listen to my PC for a while then shut it off once i start getting sleepy. In an hour or two.

Beginning of a new dawn...

Sunday will be the first time I head into the woods with TJ, clad in Mossy-Oak Camo from head to toe, wearing Snake-Bite (proof) boots and possibly lugging 50lbs of gear deep into the Wildlife Management Park. We'll be quiet, and hope an Archer doesn't mistake us for a Deer - their broadhead arrows would surely cause some grievous damage if not out right death if struck. "So," you might say, "why are you going out into the woods during Archery season?". Why, the answer to that is simple: to go scouting. This sunday is the only day TJ has been able to get free to do so, so we're going to trek into the swampy lands to check up on his two treestands - if they are still there and in working condition, we will most likely be moving them to a new spot, and scouting for suitable places to set up.

Looking at Google Maps of the area, i've picked out a spot a half mile or two North of where TJ's treestands are currently position, where trees give way to clearing/swamp area. I figure some deer, skirting the swamp, will pass that way. I'll check for tacks etc before setting up, but its something I am looking forward to this weekend.

Tomorrow is also going to be Hell Day. At work, we are switching phone systems, so will be making the switch over tomorrow night, after everyone leaves. That means setting up 30 phones, hoping they all work, changing the system/servers, etc. I'm not expecting to leave until around midnight, if not into the AM of Saturday. Fingers crossed.

Brief

So, been amazingly busy at work for once, getting things prepped for the new phone system switch this Friday night. Also might possibly go scouting with TJ, my coworker, on Sunday down where we are going to go hunt. Depending on if we can find his Tree-Stands or not, we might/might not do a weekend-long camping hunting trip in the area come Hunting Season in November. I'm excited, in either case, to go on my first hunting trip when that comes around.

Also going to the doctors on monday, around noonish. Going to get my back and ankle checked out, as I'm pretty sure its NOT a good thing that my ankle still swells up during/after any sort of activity (like kicking a soccer ball). My back, well, theres a little lump right now to my spine, around waist-band line height up. Its a Sciata (i think) as my right leg goes numb from time to time, and was even going numb while kicking the soccer ball around. The two (ankle/Sciata) could possible be related, but since they are more then a nuisance right now i've finally decided to go get checked out to see if there is anything I can do about it.

Whispers the Wind...

I'm a loner and I do not have any friends. I am not going to get in a debate about what classifies as a friend, but I clearly do not have any. Nor do I need any. I've come to the conclusion that the only person I can trust is myself, and that I came to that conclusion during Freshman year of HS. I'm done with relationships and drama. Nothing is ever as it seems. And I don't think I'll ever be able to bring myself to trust some one again. My fondest memory from college says a lot about this.

I went to school at Susquehanna University, in the Middle-of-nowhere, PA. A small school of 2,000 and a smaller town. Beautiful campus, especially in the winter - which is also where this memory takes place. As my room mate at the time can attest, I'd bundle up in jeans, winter boots, t-shirt, winter jacket, and my Arsenal wool hat, along with my ipod (slipped inside interior pocket of my jacket) and I'd head outside. Always after 9PM. Walking the perimeter of campus twice in a row at the least was my most favorite thing to do. The cold, crisp air is more then refreshing. The whiteness of the snow in the lamplight, lying untouched across the ground, crunching under my feet, settling on my shoulders. That was pure bliss.

The world takes on a different appearance at such a time, majestic in its beauty and a far cry from how I know it really is. It all combines to clear my head, let me collect my thoughts and just chill out with out any sort of interruption or unwanted noise. No cars would drive by, I'd maybe - maybe - see a handful of people at best the entire time.

I miss being able to do that. I miss cold weather. And snow. The closest I came to that same sort of bliss was when Tropical Storm Fay came by, and I went in my parents pool during the worst of it. I'd lay in the pool, two noodles keeping me afloat, ears under the water so I couldn't hear the howling of the pool, and the pattering of the rain was only faint. That sort of calmness in the middle of such a storm, clouds swirling overhead, is very had to replicate. It would have been better if I was home alone and knew my parents couldn't look out and see me, but one can only hope for so much.

I'm going to return to the North one day, where the cold does reign and the snow does fall. I need that solitude, that shelter, that calmness. Its the one thing I am missing most in my life, and I plan to take my last week off work this year in between Christmas and New Years Day, and hopefully spend it somewhere cold and snowing.

*faceplant*

I hate my life. I got promoted at work yesterday, which includes mainly a pay raise which is nice, but all the happiness from that went right out the window about three minutes ago. So, I've got my headphones on, and hear my phone buzz faintly. Text from my room mate about rent money. So i'm like ok, thats fine. Two minutes later, I think I hear my phone ringing again. This time its an incoming call. In the middle of playing SPORE, so I don't even bother to really check the number, thinking its room mate in regards to rent money. I pick up the phone. "Hey" "Hey?" "Hey?" Hey?!" "Hows it going..." Didn't believe my ears at first, but its the Ex calling. IF ONLY I HAD CHECKED THE NUMBER AND THOUGHT FOR 3 SECONDS BEFORE PICKING UP! Of course, just calling to 'talk' so I really don't know what she is all about. I dunno if I should call her back and tell her I don't want to talk to her again or something. I feel like I am in the middle of No Mans Land and both sides are about to attack each other - I don't know where to RUN!

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

...is a GREAT movie! If you've never seen it, you're missing out on cinematic history! Not to mention i'd love to own the soundtrack (if there is one) of the movie. Anyways, that's not what this post is about.

First, the Good. Recieved an email today from an Editor of an Online Gaming Magazine. I'd been talking to him a few months ago about writing for him, but they didn't have any openings at the time. Back then, he did say try back in September. So, I was pleasantly surprised when I got an email from him today asking if I was still interested! I had actually been thinking about sending him an email at the end of this week about it anyways, so that worked out in my favor. At any rate, it'll be a week long "Internship" to see if they like my style and get a feel for my schedule. Hopefully some good comes out of it? Will be great exposure for me and my first real writing job.

As for the Bad, well...since I really don't know who reads this, and this link is posted on Facebook, I won't name any names. But, I think in a brief time span I might have developed a little crush on a certain some one, and have been vaguely talking to them on said Facebook (if that doesn't give it away I don't know what will)...though based on the 'reception' i've recieved i've come to the conclusion that I completely misread her signals and she was just being friendly towards me the brief time we spent together. (with other people around of course). So yeah, today makes second failure at communication over that 'great' thing called AIM. Cold-shoulder response. So yeah, I'm done with it/over it. I was wrong anyways, so what does it matter?

And the Ugly...and no, i'm not talking about 'the Elephant'. (Keep that reference in mind for a later blog). So i was having a relatively decent day, even did a little food shop. Come upstairs turn my computer on and then *BEEP*. I said 'Damnit' and waited for the BEEP to sound again. Yep, my fire-alarm is beeping. Nifty little thing compared to the last one I, uh, tampered with. Popped it out of the ceiling, but its still connected by three electrical wires, which would explain why it is still beeping even after I removed the battery (which was hidden in a slot that required a button to be pushed to remove). Don't have any batteries for it, and waiting to hear back from my other room mate about whether she has any batteries. Was considering exchanging it with 'the Elephants' battery, but i'm not that cruel (honest). Luckily, these headphones dampen out outside noises pretty well and I can always turn my music up louder, but the BEEP still gets through. Really annoying, and puts a damper on my day.

Alright, thats all for tonight.

I'll catch you on the flipside.

*blink blink*

When I was younger, probably around 6th - 8th grade, my family moved back to England. We sold EVERYTHING and our house was up for sale. We stayed for all of 6 days in England before returning to the US, taking our house off the market. Neither me nor my siblings wanted to leave the United States - my little sister, for one, had no memory of England and had grown up in the states, while me and my older sister had made friends and had settled in - and apparently nor did my parents. I don't know what prompted the move in the first place and i've never thought to ask my parents about it. But when we returned, to our old house that we didn't sell, all our neighbors and friends were happy. Those who had bought goods from us wanted to return them, but my parents refused. That meant living with out a TV.

Most people would groan about that, and kids this days would probably die with out a TV. Honestly, I wasn't all that upset. I didn't watch TV very much, and my weekends were usually consumed with soccer practice and soccer games. (Yeah, I used to be pretty fit when I was younger). I've always been a loner, and I still am, so had very few friends, and can hardly recall a time when I hung out with friends from school. I did ride my bike to a friend from my soccer teams house, and I suppose that's who I spent most of my time with. Its been years since I last talked to him, and can't recall how or when our friendship ended.

Anyways, that left me with a lot of free time. I'd play with my legos, turning complete sets into monstrocities of lego. I'd wage mini wars between the 'Imperials' and the 'Bad guys', build large fortresses and cool vehicles and ships. As I grew older, that happened less and less, and I turned towards a greater mental challenge, something that could not only keep me preoccupied but feed my brain and magic me away from the real world for hours on end. I turned to reading.

In those three or four years we spent with out a TV, I think I read something close to 300 - 400 books. No joke. And not little 100 page books. I can recall a couple books that approached 800 - 1000 pages, with most being over 200 books. I read a few Historical books and mainly Fantasy and Sci-Fi books. "The Hobbit" and "Lord of the Rings" were some of the first ones I read - when I was 12. YEARS before they even considered turning them into the movies that made the books extremely popular again. The same with "The Golden Compass" and the books in that triology. I read countless other books too - some more mainstream then others. The Wheel of Time, Shardik. I don't remember names well, so I wouldn't be able to tell you how many different authors or series I read, but I can gurantee you that if i picked up one of those books again, i'd know immediately whether or not I read it and I'd be able to recall exactly what happens.

I'm not sure how I do it, but thats why I can never read a book more then once. Theres no challenge there, no suprises - I already know how its going to end, who is going to die, and everything else about the book.

Lately, I've had trouble finding books to read, or discovering that series I out-read have new books. I'm tempted to go back to them, but I know it won't be the same as reading the series the first time through. I try to be more selective now, picking books that are in a completed series. It doesn't always work out that way, but the amount of books I read each year has greatly diminished.

You might be wondering what brought this all about. Well, I feel like I just woke up from a nap after a little under 3 hours of reading, finising a two-book series. It was pleasant, not the best stuff i've read, but it feeds that part of me that is seldom feed these days. 300 pages in 3 hours isn't bad either, but i've had years of practice. And the book was engaging enough to draw me in like that. When I stopped reading, I felt like it would 1 or 2 AM in the morning, which usually happens when I get drawn in that much. But nope, it was only 9:30ish and I had eaten dinner around 6:15ish (PM, mind you) before picking up the book. So now I wonder where my night went. >:-)

No, now I wonder what that next thing to challenge my mind will be.